I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
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U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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