Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
