mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
