I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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