I think I am morally bankrupt
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
