I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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