I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Less talking, more tequila
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
