I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
