Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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