I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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