I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
