Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
