He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
