My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
