I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
