i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
