my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
