Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
