Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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