dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
