I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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