happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
