i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
