so explain again why im purple
no
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
