and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
