he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
