hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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