Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
