she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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