Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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