I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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