I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
