My liver just broke up with me...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
