dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
