Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
