How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
