im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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