Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
