You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize