While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
