my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
