At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
