I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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