go do what you do best...puke behind churches
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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