Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
