If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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