When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
