Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
