This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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