I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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