Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
