My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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