I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
