Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I would ride that face into the sunset
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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