I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
