Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
