nut hugger
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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