hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
